My Online Dating Chronicles

You can call me old fashioned, prude or uptight, but I prefer to be defined as someone with standards and self-respect.

This is my first time blogging, and after what happened the other night, I just had enough and just need to vent!

Maybe I have been brought up watching fairy tales and been told that one day my prince charming will come, but seriously, where are all the gentlemen hiding?? Are they all taken?? Are we left with all the j3rks??

Sooooo what brought me here today? I’m sick of attracting all the wrong guys. I refuse to believe that it’s something that I said or did. I don’t have any nude or raunchy pictures. I don’t talk dirty etc and always make sure they know I don’t do hookups. Yet somehow I received a d!ck pic the other day!! WTH! There must be something that I am doing wrong here!!

I’m 30 and I have been single for 1 year, well maybe 3 years if we don’t count the guy I was seeing on and off last year because to be honest I don’t really know how to define what it was. For me it was serious and I thought he was genuine. Anyway that’s another story!

After some hesitation, I got talked into joining the online dating world. Hello CMB and Tinder. Funny enough, I saw the same guys on both apps. Well I was doing the same thing, so I can’t really complain here! I was skeptical about using Tinder because the word out there is that it’s only for hookups, but a few people that I know have found their partners on it. So yea WTH, I gave it a go. I met a few guys, all different but with the same agenda!! My friends and I gave them nicknames to refer to them (I’m sure guys do the same thing!)

Before we get to the famous D!ck pic, let me tell you about my online dating fiasco!!!

1. The Canadian

I had a few matches on CMB, but he was one of a few who actually made an effort to make a conversation. We texted throughout the day over a period of 1 month.

We met up for coffee and talked for about 2h. He charmed me with his Canadian accent and innocent look. I must admit that he got style too. He wanted to see me again, but I had some relatives visiting me from overseas, so we had a quick bite and I offered to pay half at least (Poor thing! He just moved here and he was still studying). There were innocent skin contact, but that was it. He didn’t try anything. I thought, ok here is a nice guy (compared to my ex- the pharmacist). There was some chemistry too.

Anyway, I was innocent at that time and didn’t know much about the dating jargons.  We were talking about tv shows and he said that we could watch Stranger Things on Netflix and chill. We agreed on a date, but never confirmed where we were gonna have the ‘marathon’. I guess he assumed we would watch it over at his place since he he had Netflix. My friend later told me what it meant, so I casually confirmed the date and told him to come over to my place (because I wanted to be the one in control just in case and besides, why do I have to get the train back home at I don’t know what time…) He asked for my address and I could tell that he was a bit reticent!! He had a study group that day and on his way back home, he cancelled and asked for a rain check.  He said it was too late bla bla bla, by the time he gets home..bla bla bla.. He needs to have a shower and cook bla bla bla. Yea right….he totally wanted to hook up. I mean, he knew about the date, he just thought I would come over. Cook??? If ever I was to come over, were we not gonna eat? Didn’t he prepare anything? I would have ordered some food if he was hungry! It was only 7pm btw!!! I ignored him and I watched the whole season of Stranger Things with my housemates. He got upset when I told him so!

I usually go crazy and delete numbers etc when I’m over someone. So I deleted his number.

This was really different from my past relationship. I used to see The pharmacist 3 times a week. 2 dates in 1 month. I thought he was slow!! He was busy with exams at that time. So I thought ok I’ll give him another chance. I had to lookup how to retrieve deleted numbers from my phone and chat logs on whatsapp. I spent hours and hours on this!!!! (not a proud moment, but I was determined to see where this could go). He seemed to be a nice guy. Also, my friends suggested that I should text him first beause he’s always the one texting first. I hate when I have too many voices in my head. He did cancel on me, but yea I always wait for him to text first!

I contacted him and after 1 week or 2, we had our movie session, but nothing happened. He was studying to be a physiotherapist, so he wanted to show me what he learnt. He started to massage my arm and back, but we were interrupted a few times by my housemate, who thought it was ok to stick around and watch part of the movie with us!!! Really??!?

Back to the massage…  nothing steamy or sexy. He kinda hurt me actually. I guess the chemistry was gone. We left it there.

2. The Kiwi Guy

Then came Lucky Luke. He was on CMB too. I don’t recall we ever had a chat. He just asked to meet for a drink and gave me his number. He looked like Mike from Suits in some pictures, so why not!

We went to an underground bar and had a drink (one round each). At some point he asked me about my sexual life!! (RED FLAG 1).  I was a bit annoyed, but then he changed the subject and we talked for about 1h. While he went to the men’s room, the thought of just leaving crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to be rude and I thought it would be over soon! He then asked if I wanted to have dinner. I was hungry, so yea might as well. On the way to the restaurant, he asked if I wanted to come over for tea. (RED FLAG 2) I laughed and told him that they should have tea at the restaurant! We talked for another 2h. I liked talking to him actually. He knew how to get the conversation going. I guess working in marketing was a plus. He knew how to talk to people and how to sell himself! He offered to pay for dinner, which was nice of him. Walking to the station, he tried his luck again and asked me to come over (RED FLAG 3). Tsssskkk I kindly refused and we hugged goodbye!

Deep inside I knew what he was looking for, but for some reason I missed all the red flags, or forgot about them and thought that the date went well because we spent 3h together! We texted when we got home and that was it. I didn’t hear from him the whole week! My friend told me that her husband only texted her when they had to meet. So I didn’t text him either. Another friend yelled at me for not seeing the signs!

Then Mikey texted me and asked me out for dinner! He wanted to go to his favorite restaurant which happened to be close to his place (RED FLAG 4).  Either he was lazy/tired and didn’t wanna walk much (he had a swim in the morning and went to a few house inspections) or he was hoping to take me home after dinner! No way Jose! I picked another restaurant and left it up to him whether he wanted to go or not! Surprisingly, he agreed. We had dinner, which I offered to pay and he suggested to go to a bar nearby. He bought us drinks and we talked for about 2h again. Time really flies when I’m with him.  He then asked if I wanted to come over for wine this time! (RED FLAG 5) I said no. Come on… You gotta invest a bit more.

He went overseas for a week (he posted a pic on his insta – so yea it was true haha) and said we would catch up when he gets back. I gave him a week to contact me which he did, more or less with a few days late. We had dinner which he paid for.. He picked a nice restaurant and again we talked for 2h. He knows that I have a sweet tooth and even though he stuffed himself, he agreed to have dessert! I offered to pay of course! This time he didn’t ask me to come over to his place. I thought ok, maybe he is getting this right!

He asked me if I had seen La La Land. His friend has seen it and he said it was good. So I thought maybe he was trying to say something here. For once I asked him out to the movies. He said yes. I was gonna let him kiss me and see from there. No sex! Sorry I don’t pull out that easy.

When I asked him which session he wanted to go to, he stopped replying… I didn’t say anything either.

My phone died on me the day before we scheduled the movie and I needed a new phone ASAP just in case he would contact me. So I bought one outright and waited and waited!!!!

And nothing…. I thought maybe he texted me when my phone died and for some reason I didn’t get the text! Maybe, maybe not. Guess we’ll never know! He probably thought we were gonna watch a movie at my place or his and hookup!! Oh well his loss, we were getting there haha!!

3. The French Guy

I wasn’t really on Tinder. I had cramps swiping left most of the time. I think at that time, guys were just asking me if I wanted to hookup!!  So I deleted the app.

Back to CMB. Got a match and whaaaatttt… he is from the same hometown. I thought that was cool and maybe something good would come out of it. I just got back from my holidays and I think maybe I rushed into meeting him. We barely talked and I wasn’t prepared at all, not that I usually get prepared, but yea… I didn’t really wanna meet him, I felt like I was forcing myself into it (maybe because I just attended 2 weddings where I was among a few singles plus family pressure and I felt like I had to put myself out there).

So we went to a bar where he usually hangs out after work. BIG MISTAKE! He told me so when we got there. A bit too late to go somewhere else!

He booked one of the booths at the very end of the bar. I thought I would be safe from prying eyes! Huh!! Minutes later, one of the bartenders came to check on us and said that everyone was wondering how I look like. No pressure! Like it was not nerve wracking enough to meet someone for the first time (who happened to have a thing for my high school friend back in the days btw. Yep I did my research and asked around if my friend knew him). He also dated my best friend’s cousin (small world), but he said he didn’t know my friend and the name didn’t ring a bell. Really?? Really??? Hummmm LIAR!!! Pretty sure they have the same last name!

The whole date was awkward. First of all because I found it weird not speaking French for some reason. I thought it would be easier to communicate in our home language! He couldn’t speak French fluently as he moved here 10 years ago. Fair enough.

Then I felt like he was just questioning everything that I said. Why this, why that. It made me feel uneasy. Maybe we were both nervous, but please stop the constant staring! I just can’t stand it.

The worst is yet to come. The bartender came over again and gave me a list of 20 questions that his workmates prepared. I was just over it and was so ready to leave, but I stayed and played along.

Some of the questions were
– Do you pull out on the first date?
– What’s your bra size?
– How do I like my hotdogs?
– Do you like anal sex?
– Do you swallow?
– Do I groom?
– Do I mind being a beard?
– Do I have any abnormalities?
I can’t remember the rest honestly and I am really trying hard to remember!!

They were nice enough to ask me what my job was tho!

He said he had no idea they would do this! He lied before, should I believe him? Maybe he asked his friends to send the questions on his behalf or maybe his friends actually thought it would be funny. HA, not laughing!

We went through the questions one by one and clearly I was annoyed, but I didn’t show it! He told me to just have some fun and either tell the truth or write whatever I wanted. I suggested to answer them in turns. I came up with some funny and dirty answers, just to play the game.

He wanted to order some chips, but nah I wanted to go home!! Besides I didn’t wanna have chips (gotta keep my BSL low, not because chips will make me fat). I was nice enough to tell him to order whatever he wants to eat, but he didn’t.

Over awkward silence, he kept staring and nodding and smiling. I wasn’t saying anything, but he was nodding. Okay!! Then the bartender came to our table again as she finished her shift. We talked for a bit and then she left. He handed over the list of questions to his friends and they left one by one, calling out his name on the way out.

We soon left after. He wanted to walk me to the station. It was past 8 and I was hungry. How can I tell him to walk away?! Being the nice person that I am, I asked him if he wanted anything to eat, but he said no. I kindly told him that he didn’t have to come with me as his bus was about to come. He said he didn’t mind. He walked halfway with me and as we approached his bus stop he left. I felt relieved! We hugged goodbye and that was it.

I guess maybe it was awkward for both of us. I knew I was nervous or maybe just not feeling it. I was playing with my drink the whole night to avoid his constant gaze and I just felt out of place. Anyway, we didn’t text after that.

I thought I was done with Tinder until I saw this hot guy working on site close to my place. I swore he looked like Jasper in The Royals, but taller and with a moustache!! Turns out I was living a fantasy. I saw him the next week and nah it wasn’t Jasper!!

Anyway, I was starting to give up on dating, but Mr Hottie gave me hope somehow. I was daydreaming and I wanted that happily ever after.

I started Tindering again hoping to find Mr Hottie (that was before I realised he was not Jasper’s lookalike!!). Got a few matches. You know that feeling when you swipe right and ooouuuhhhh he likes you too haha! Got my groove back! There was plenty of fish in the sea!!

Usually I will have small chit chats and that’s it. So I’ve been on Tinder for a month now. I usually read their profiles to see if they are genuine (not that I can tell, but some guys do say they are here for ONS). It’s funny how I saw the guys whom I met up with still on Tinder. I swiped left this time.

I exchanged a few words with some guy. He was British. We talked for a few days and then he asked me straight up what I was seriously here for. He said he’s not into one night stands and would like to buy me coffee. Then he disappeared. He could have been Number 4. The British! I think he ghosted me! Yep I learnt a few words haha! Ok moving on. I deleted him.

4. The Plumber

Then this guy started to talk to me and seemed keen to meet me. He said he was here to meet new people. No ONS. He had 5 pics and I only liked one of them. He looked fit and lean in it. Nevertheless, I gave him the benefit of a doubt, but I was so hoping he looked like his first picture (the first one is always the best!)

It’s so tiring meeting new people and saying the same things over and over again!! I had dinner with my friend that night, so I asked him to bring a friend along. I thought having a casual chat and a drink with other people would be fun. He said he didn’t have any friends whom my friend would like. What does that even mean? He doesn’t even know my friend and what she likes in a guy. Anyway he didn’t wanna be a 3rd wheel and I didn’t wanna see him by myself.

We texted the whole night. I asked him to tell me 3 things about himself. He said he likes pasta, alien and ghost stories and he is an ass man! WTH is that? I didn’t know what it meant, so I googled it and I found 3 different definitions.

– man who has an obsession with women’s ass
– assistant manager
– someone who likes sex.

I thought maybe he was messing with me and he was telling me 3 things, one of which was a lie. Soooooo he likes pasta and he is an assistant manager, I thought to myself!!

Ass man? Who says that?!! All sorts of things were going through my mind! He asked me if I was expecting this. Obviously not! I said no and waited for him to tell me that it was a joke, but he didn’t!

So yea I lost it and told the guy that this was going nowhere!

I dated someone who kept on saying that he had a sex addiction. I didn’t wanna deal with another one.

He then explained what he meant, that he prefers asses to boobs! Fair enough. Guys are guys. They have a preference. So I got over it.

I felt bad and I did apologise for overreacting. He texted me the next morning and asked what I was up to. I had nothing on and I thought he would ask me out since he was so persistent last night to get my number.

I didn’t wanna waste my time and energy texting guys who are not worth it, and mostly because I was bored, I asked him if he wanted to have coffee. Go girl!

He said yes, but he wanted to have my number first! He said he would never meet a girl unless he has her number! He made it such a big deal, so I refused (for various reasons)! I didn’t see why it was that important. We could still talk on Tinder if ever we were running late etc. He thought maybe I would just delete him on Tinder and not show up.

Guess what???? He was not what I was expecting at all!! I got at the meeting point before him and I was looking around hoping to be lucky! Then I saw him. He looked a bit chubbier than the other 4 pics actually! Shit did he see me? What should I do? I pretended to look at my phone! Too late! He’s walking towards me! 

It was really nice that day. The sun was out and it was not too cold. So we went sitting in the park with our coffee. We talked for about 2h and I caught him staring at my lips a few times.

We were just talkng about randon stuff and he told me about some girls he met before who didn’t look like their pics at all.. Hummmmm!!! Who’s talking!! He went on to say how deceiving they were. Some looked older and bigger than on their pics! I didn’t say a thing, but I choked on my coffee! He was being a hypocrite! What’s the saying? Those who live in glass houses should no throw stones! He did ask me if he was what I was expecting. I just said yes. How could I say no, when did you take that picture at the gym?! He asked for my number again and I said I would think about it!

The sun was gone and it started to get a bit cold. I noticed that he started to come closer! So I asked him if he was cold and then he said he wanted to kiss me! Come on man!!!!  Not too sure how I turned him down!

He said he dated someone who would only let him kiss her after 3 dates. I told him that I’m one of those girls! He said that he doesn’t get it. If it’s a question of getting to know each other, after 3 dates I still won’t know him that well!!

Wooooohhhh… I guess he wasn’t happy about that.

After I turned him down, we said goodbye.

And I deleted him, after a few days!

5. The Teacher

Dating is hard lol!

Then this guy said I was cute! oohhhhh thank you sir! Him too looked nice in only 1 pic out of 4!

Teacher… he must be a decent guy! But then he started to call me sexy. I don’t know about you but I’d rather someone call me beautiful. He kept on saying sexy, so I said to him that I am also SMART, FUNNY, KIND AND THE LIST GOES ON!!!

A this point I was over it. I just asked him upfront why he was on Tinder. He said like everyone else to meet sexy nice girls. I said to him well there are 2 types of guys on here! Either they want ONS or they genuinely are looking for someone. He replied.. Looks like I’m looking for a husband. I should raise the age group to over 35!

I said I look like someone who met up with DH and I’d rather they tell me upfront what they want!

I thought yea whatever I’ll just muck around. He works as a security too so he must meet and hit on many girls.

I was not really giving him much attention. So evey now and then he would send me emos. (how old is he?! cant’t he just text words!!)

The banter went on for a week. I wished I saved the convo! He would say things like he would like to kiss me, to which I replied like I would let him.

Then I didn’t hear from him over the weekend. He works night shifts and I knew he was a player anyway, he must be busy. Yep whatever.

After 3 days he talked to me again. Okkk. He wanted to meet for a drink and asked when I was free. Since he’s the one with a crazy schedule I told him to let me know when he is free and we’ll see then. Btw he told me he was a casual teacher before, but now he says he is only doing night shifts!

He gave me his number and told me to text him. Yea right. I was still being playful so I gave him my number and said why don’t you text me.

Pffff next thing I know later that night I receive a MMS. Half naked pic of him in the bathroom. He tried to crop out his D, but you could see a lil bit. I got annoyed. First of all, I didn’t ask for this! Secondly, he looks so different from his first pic!!! Thirdly, he said he tried to crop out his D! (Well you didn’t do a good job) He said he was just being cheeky and he could send me the whole pic if I wanted to. I told him to keep it for himself or go share with other people and I stopped replying. I was actually turned off! I did ask him if his pics were recent tho, to which he said yes! I thought he was different and that he was actually taking some interest in me. Calling me sexy was flattering in some way and he was making an effort to text me. His face didn’t match the character at all!!!

I deleted his texts and number!!

He texted me the next night and the day after. He wanted to know what I was up to. Initially he said he was working over the weekend, but now he says we could meet up for a drink. He mentioned that he hasn’t registered his car yet, but then he asked where we could go etc.. So he was making plans.. He suggested coffee because it was cold. Even though I had a 10km walk in the morning I was going to make an effort to meet him just to get it over with.

But then he said to meet up later in the week because he doesnt’t have a car!! WTF!!! Ever heard of public transport! I was tired and maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t meet, but why make up plans to then flake?!? Whatever dude!! I ignored him and deleted again!!

After an hour, he texted and said he would make it up to me sometime in the week! Like I’m gonna wait and fall for that shit! I ignored him.

Another hour later, he said I should be here with him warming him up and he kept sending emos! I just wanted to put him back in his place. So I said well if you hadn’t flaked maybe I would have been. He said he didn’t flake, it was too cold to get the train, he just wanted his car…. Bla bla bla!

Out of nowhere he sent me another pic!!! The unedited picture of his D!ck!!

I thought I already set my standards the previous night, but somehow he didn’t get it!!

Is he being serious!!!! When I told him off!, he said that I was tense! His excuse was… He was horny and he thinks I’m sexy! So what??

I replied that he got me confused with the future me who has been on at least one date with him!!

He thought that I was mad about the date and said that he will take me out soon!!

Like I care!! I told him that I was not interested anymore and that he could have a good life!  I was fuming!!!!

He said that I was harsh and that it was all a bit of fun! I told him that he would not have trouble to have fun with other girls!!

He said he would not chase me anymore and that there was nothing much to be sorry for. (Not sure what he meant!!!! )

Anyway…. deleted…… !!!!!

Sorry but this was unsolicited!!! Maybe I would have found it hot and funny if I knew the guy!! I havn’t even met him and he thinks he is that hot! He got flabby abs!!

Maybe I was born in the wrong era!!!

Is it too much to ask for some courting and chasing and flirting?!?!?!? And above all, for some respect?!?

Would I have reacted the same way if he looked hot on the pic? hmmmmm maybe not haha…. but come on… NO D!CK PICS FFS!!

Am I doing something wrong?? I tend to attract all the wrong guys!!!

I know they all think about sex, but can’t they hide it or wait til the 3rd date at least!!!!

Do people kiss on the first date??? Maybe, if the connection is there I guess, but come on… Mine was not even a date, more like a meet and greet!!!

Where are all the nice men hiding?!?!? There must be someone out there who can treat a lady well!!

It’s not all about looks! Well of course there needs to be an attraction first, but I do look at their personality too!! One of my exes was actually chubby and had a beer gut! He was not my type at all, but he was funny and made me feel special! I think he was actually one of the nicest guys I have dated even if we had a bad breakup.

My friends say that I am too nice and naive! I guess that’s true. I tend to see the best in people and always give them a chance. Where did that take me!!!

I should have seen the red flags tho… Tskkkk!! I’m just a hopeless romantic waiting for my prince to sweep me off my feet!

Looking back, I can’t believe I did the same mistakes over and over again!! Now I can laugh about my stories. I did so many stupid things!!! How can I be so blind and naive!!!!

I’m not judging those girls who pull out on the first date. If it works for them, go for it. I’m just not that type of girl who can separate feelings. I’m not gonna fool myself! I’d rather be single than lower my standards, hookup with some guy who would either not stick around, give me herpes or bring me down!!

Ohh the teacher/security guy texted me again!!! To be continued…